The marriage rate amongst African Americans is the lowest out of every other race in the United States. According to Joy Jones in her article, “Marriage is for white people” Joy states that, “In 2001, according to the U.S. Census, 43.3 percent of black men and 41.9 percent of black women in America had never been married, in contrast to 27.4 percent and 20.7 percent respectively for whites. With these statistics at such an alarming rate the question now is….What do a sistah have to do, or needs to STOP doing in order to be considered marriage material? Perhaps one solution to the problem would be for black women to start exercising some self-control when it comes to having children and living with a man. I think we as black women often make the mistake of giving too much to a man before it’s time. For example, if you live with a man, have all his babies, wash his clothes, pack his lunch, and cook his dinner EVERY NIGHT before he even considers proposing to you…what is there for the man to look forward to when he actually does marry you? Why would a man want to go to the next level with you, when he has already unofficially experienced that sector of life with you? What’s your opinion? Express it!!
-Alex
By your encouragement I’ll give you my perspective on this topic, being part of the 27.4% myself I’ve come to observe a few things.
The basic problem is one of culture, but culture is not so easily changed and advanced as technology. No one culture has got the best of everything, each has it’s own strengths and weaknesses, and it is by that rule that I’ve found distancing oneself from the weaknesses of the culture with which you are identified by others as being a part of is often necessary, even if you yourself do not hold that weakness as your own.
A strong culture such as the southern black culture with which I’ve become familiar breeds strong individuals, but when women and men both are made stronger then the interaction between the two becomes more volatile.
The natural order of any relationship is the union of two whose strength and weaknesses (in emotional context) are as yin and yang compatible with one another, and though there are rare occasions when both parties are moderate and equal in their emotional need for control most of the time when both attempt to control equally it is more a psychological than an emotional need that drives one to try and match the other whose need is emotional. Thus two strong individuals come into conflict when their strengths are one and the same.
This leads to cross-cultural issues, such as the often joked about concept of black men going for women of other origins. When they are surrounded by strong willed women in their own culture they seek out a culture where weaker willed women are more common. Likewise black women have sought the same, but found fewer cultures that breed weaker willed men.
Of course this is generalization, but just as culture has breed many of these traits many children of these cultures have suffered a back-lash from it, which has created a natural minority within the culture that lands at the opposite extreme, with the weak willed women you mention that make themselves too weak and give too much.
The answer to how to fix the problem is still a matter for speculation, but my guess would be to identify the points of rigidness and find ways to smooth the problems over so that conflict is minimized.
I would identify white culture as a lack of all things rigid in culture (which it could be argued is what defines cultures), because it is easily changed, sometimes too easily, but most changes that are made to it are positive ones. I expect the way things are going some 500-1000 years down the line there will be a majority of children from cross-cultural heritages, and thus races will become very fuzzy and identity among individual races will be equally so. Until such a day as all cultures have blended into a unified world however I doubt there will be any lasting relief from issues of culture, for culture is ever changing, ever striving to adapt and advance itself, which though prone to a few missteps will ultimately succeed in it’s goal.
I think the problem will resolve itself when people resolve their contribution to the problem. We were taught that there are differences but in reality things get their meaning from what we put into it. Lets take it one situation at a time and see where it takes us.
Crazy i had a fb stat w/these same stats a lil bit ago….i agree alex w/the giving too much…I also feel like women get so caught up in the “independent i dnt need a man mindset” & when they awkae from it those lucky bachelors have moved on….but who knows…the article i read said 2 factors were 1. the rate of incarcerated men & 2. Blk men marrying outside the race…which both make 1 prob MORE BLK women then men
I agree, Peach. I was in a similar situation where i played “housewife” to a man who said he wanted to marry me: cooking, laundry, balancing checkbooks, decorating the home. But when it was time to push the issue of marriage, he backed out and said he didn’t think it was a good idea to rush things, and maybe we need to wait a couple years, (hmmmph=OUT THE DOOR!)
but Many black person grow up in single parent homes. Thinking “well , i was raised by my momma and she did ok,” or “my father always kept a lady or two around, but no one stayed long”, some people mirror the behavior of their parents. Black women are raised to think they have to do it all themselves, take care of themselves, because no man ever will, black men ain’t shit, yaddayaddayadda. And black men are raised to think all black women are too aggressive, won’t submit under any circumstances, are golddiggers, yaddayaddayadda. Add into the picture America’s culture of delayed adulthood, and you have a recipe for slow marriage growth.
The standard for adulthood used to be 1.)graduating from high school, 2.)Securing a job/career prospect, 3.)moving out of your parent’s home, 4.)getting married and starting a family in your own home. Today, where it is ok to not know what career you want by age 21, live in your parents house until age 24, no wonder that people don’t get married until they are almost thirty, if then. And when you delay marriage so long, your prospects dwindle, because your personality is so firm you will not be as willing to compromise with a mate (notice i said settle with, not compromise for) than if you’d married by 25.
I AGREE WITH PEACH. Stop acting like you’re married, black men and women, if you’re not ready to get married.
I think people are taking the fantacies of everyone else and making it theirs. We need to develop only what we want and can keep up for ourselves. Once you say I DO no one else is at the house with you but that guy you married and know nothing about.
If you want to play house get a doll. As women and men we need to have confidence that what we have is worth the commitment we are looking for. Stop waiting on everyone to marry you. Experience life, love and spend time with yourself to know your worth. If you can’t recognize it don’t expect someone else to either.
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